


Whatever!

by Kyarorain



Category: Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-12-21
Updated: 2005-12-21
Packaged: 2018-02-21 19:25:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2479697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kyarorain/pseuds/Kyarorain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Squall says 'whatever' too much, and other stuff happens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whatever!

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I knew just a little about Final Fantasy VIII when I wrote this as a gift fic for a friend. That didn't stop me from writing it.

 

Honestly. It was such a fine day outside. It was so sunny. Instead, they were stuck in a floating garden and listening to Balamb Garden's Headmaster, Cid Kramer, ramble on and on.

 

"Oh, Ciddy-poo," A woman purred, clinging on his arm. "Let's leave these students here and go to bed."

 

Oh, yeah, and Edea Kramer was being sickeningly loving to her husband. Well, this was just a usual day, wasn't it?

 

"I'll be with you in a minute," Cid smiled. "Please be patient, my lovely Edea."

 

"Oh, Cid..."

 

"Oh, Edea... and now I would like to instruct you about the different types of bee. The most common is the honeybee..."

 

"Excuse me, sir," Irvine Kinneas interrupted. "What do bees have to do with security and defence systems?"

 

Quistis Trepe promptly dug her elbow into his back and he winced. It was a well known fact that Cid was well on the way to becoming senile, but nobody really wanted him to know this. Especially Edea. And nobody wanted to annoy Edea. Not after that stint where she wreaked ultimate evil... that whole possessed by Ultimecia deal? It was all a big joke. Everybody knew Edea was behind the whole thing all along.

 

"Ah, yes," Cid suddenly snapped out of his daze. "It is my pleasure to announce a tea party at Balamb at precisely two in the afternoon tomorrow."

 

"Will there be cake?" Zell Dincht asked excitedly. "I like cake."

 

"Whatever," Squall Leonhart suddenly spoke.

 

A collective gasp shuddered throughout the room.

 

Squall had said 'Whatever' during a lecture.

 

He was not supposed to say 'Whatever' during a lecture.

 

Selphie Tilmitt let out a shriek of horror.

 

Rinoa Heartilly giggled.

 

Angelo went woof.

 

And Squall was immediately whisked away out of the room by Quistis, Irvine, Selphie, Zell, Rinoa (and Angelo), leaving Cid and Edea to their own devices.

 

"Oh, Cid," Edea ran her hand inside Cid's jacket and it brushed against his wallet pocket. She grinned.

 

"Oh, Edea..." Cid beamed at her. "Is it lunchtime yet?"

 

Edea bristled slightly. They had had lunch two hours ago.

 

Meanwhile, outside, Squall was getting a telling off.

 

"How could you go and yawn like that?" Quistis demanded. "It was an important lecture..."

 

"It kind of became unimportant when he began talking about bumblebees," Irvine said quickly.

 

"And the cake!" Zell added, grinning like a loon.

 

"Cake? I LIKE CAKE!" Selphie shouted. "Are we going to go and eat cake?"

 

"Are you listening, Squall?" Quistis demanded.

 

"Whatever," Squall shrugged.

 

Quistis slapped him.

 

"Squally-poo!" Rinoa wailed. She hated to see her darling Squall get hurt.

 

"I've got an idea," Irvine pulled a jar out of nowhere. "Squall, this is your 'whatever' jar. Every time you say 'whatever' today, you need to put in a gil. When the jar's full of gil, hopefully it will encourage you to stop saying 'whatever'."

 

"Whatever," Squall shrugged again, pulling a coin out of his pocket and putting it into the jar.

 

"Do we keep the money?" Selphie asked anxiously. "We could use it to buy cake!"

 

"I want cake!" Zell exclaimed.

 

"CAKE!" Selphie and Zell shouted in unison.

 

"Just give me the stupid jar," Squall said, grabbing the jar and walking away, leaving the group alone.

 

"Did he just use six words in a sentence?" Rinoa frowned and tilted her head. "Wow!"

 

"Do we keep the jar?" Selphie asked again, looking irritated. "DO WE?"

 

"Stop shouting, Selphie!" Quistis ordered her.

 

"It's Squall's money," Irvine spoke.

 

Selphie sighed in disappointment.

 

Angelo assumed the begging position and burped the alphabet.

 

"Good boy, Angelo!" Rinoa squealed, tossing him a large doggy treat.

 

Quistis looked intently at Angelo. He looked a lot larger. "Um... Rinoa..."

 

"Huh?"

 

"I think you should stop giving him the treats."

 

"NO!" Rinoa kneeled down and clamped her hands around Angelo's ears. "She was only joking, Angelo! Dogs can understand us, you know."

 

Quistis threw her hands up in frustration. Selphie and Zell ran away to eat cake. Irvine peeked into the lecture room and fainted. Rinoa started crying all over Angelo.

 

As for Squall...

 

"Hey, could I ask you a favour?"

 

"Whatever!"

 

"I'm suing you for nearly beheading my petunias when fighting those monsters yesterday!"

 

"Whatever!"

 

"CAKE!!! WE LIKE CAKE!!!"

 

"Whatever."

 

"SQUALL!!! WANT TO COME EAT CAKE?"

 

"Whatever."

 

"Chocolate or vanilla?"

 

"Whatever."

 

His jar was filling up fast. He didn't give a crap.

 

As far as Squall Leonhart was concerned, nothing mattered today.

 

Somebody had urinated all over his bed and egged his door.

 

"Whatever."

 

Somebody had drawn a moustache and blacked in some teeth on a photograph of Squall hanging on a wall.

 

"Whatever."

 

A couple guys standing nearby inferred that Rinoa was good in bed.

 

"Whatever."

 

Selphie came running, tripped and one of her cakes splattered on Squall's chest.

 

"Whatever."

 

Selphie cried.

 

"Whatever."

 

Zell got into a fight with Seifer Almasy.

 

"Whatever."

 

Quistis death glared at Squall.

 

"Whatever."

 

Squall was unaware that he had been walking around in circles all day. He was starting to tire so he went outside onto the garden terrace and sat down. Rinoa alighted by his side in seconds, smiling animatedly.

 

"Rinoa," Squall nodded briskly.

 

"Squally-poo," Rinoa beamed, sitting down on his lap. Her eyes were sparkling. "I have the greatest news ever."

 

"Huh?" Squall actually showed interest then.

 

"Guess!" Rinoa giggled, clasping her hands together.

 

"Selphie and Zell stopped being obsessed with cake?" Squall asked.

 

"No, silly!" Rinoa giggled again.

 

"Cid's not going senile?"

 

"Um... no," Rinoa shook her head.

 

"Okay, I give up," Squall looked up at her in defeat.

 

"Come on! Guess!"

 

"I give up!"

 

"Please!"

 

"Tell me."

 

"Oh..."

 

"Please?"

 

"Okay," Rinoa took a deep breath. "I'm pregnant!"

 

"Oh. Whatever," Squall looked away.

 

"..." Rinoa tensed as Squall dropped another coin in the jar. "Um, Squally-poo?"

 

"..." Squall looked back at her and realised he was supposed to show actual interest in this topic. Oh no, her eyes were filling with tears. He had to say something, and fast. "Um, who's the father?"

 

Rinoa's eyes widened.

 

Her jaw dropped.

 

Squall winced as she dropped to the ground with an almighty crash. He leaped to his feet and picked her up, placing her gently on the chair.

 

"Rinoa! Are you okay?" Squall asked anxiously.

 

"I'm fine," Rinoa grimaced. "Squall..."

 

Her face had changed.

 

Rinoa's eyes were glinting and her teeth were gritted.

 

Was this some kind of pregnancy thing?

 

Squall faintly remembered some sex lesson Quistis had given them, where it was explained that mood swings were a normal part of pregnancy. Rinoa was looking an awful lot like Quistis on what he had come to call 'a bad day'. The day where you listened to every word Quistis said. Where you did not ask if she got out the wrong side of bed.

 

Squall braced himself.

 

And it came.

 

"YOU MORON!" Rinoa screamed. "ARE YOU SO UTTERLY STUPID THAT YOU JUST CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT? HAS IT NOT OCCURED TO YOU?! WERE YOU THE PRODUCT OF THE MATING OF A HUMAN AND A GUARDIAN FORCE?! IS YOUR GRANDFATHER ALSO YOUR GREAT UNCLE OR SOMETHING?! YOU ARE THE WORST KIND OF IDIOT IN THE ENTIRE WORLD! YOU ARE A PATHETIC DISGRACE TO ALL HUMANKIND! ... ..."

 

She had stopped.

 

Squall tentatively opened his eyes. Rinoa was silent, breathing heavily and looking at him and... she was smiling.

 

"Squall, you're the father!" Rinoa squealed, leaping at him and wrapping her arms around his neck.

 

He was going to have to put up with these mood swings? Squall immediately wished he was falling off a cliff.

 

"How far along are you?" Squall asked.

 

"Four months!" Rinoa grinned. "Isn't it great? What should we call the baby? Maybe we could combine our names! What about Squinoa? Or Rinall?"

 

An hour later, Squall was wandering around the Garden feeling utterly confused and befuddled. Names were screaming through his head and it was all too much. Rinoa had gone on for ages listing all the names she could come up with.

 

Zell and Selphie were lying on benches moaning about headaches. Seemed like they had had too much sugar. Irvine was vomiting in a toilet and splashing his eyes with alcohol. Quistis was yelling at a trainee SEED and reducing her to tears.

 

A loud clanking sounded.

 

Squall looked up and blinked.

 

Laguna Loire was walking towards him, wearing a toaster on his head and a strange suit of armour. He also had a strange glowing sword in his hand.

 

"Squall," Laguna breathed heavily. "I am your father."

 

Great. He'd been at the drinks again. Laguna hiccuped and then fell over in a faint.

 

"Whatever," Squall dropped another coin in the jar.

 

A little pink bunny hopped up to Squall.

 

Squall froze in fear.

 

He was deathly scared of bunnies.

 

"AAAAAARRRRRRGH!!!" Squall screamed and ran... right out of a window. He grabbed onto the wall and screamed, while the jar fell into the bushes below.

 

"Sis... Ellone!" Squall screamed. "Hear me!"

 

Why had he said 'Hear me'? Things were just strange today.

 

Then Squall lost his grip and fell into the hedges. Fortunately, he was unharmed. Squall scrabbled around, picking up the jar and putting any fallen coins back in.

 

A shadow fell over him.

 

Squall looked up to see Ellone... with ugly buns in her hair.

 

"Hi, Squall!" Ellone waved. "I'm doing a panto in Balamb tomorrow! Do you like my costume?"

 

"... Just what's going on in Balamb?" Squall asked. The world drew in a collective gasp. Squall had not said whatever.

 

"It's a celebration," Ellone explained. "It's been a year since you saved the world from Edea... I mean, Ultimecia. And stuff."

 

Just then, Edea ran past, cackling and clutching a very fat wallet.

 

"A year?" Squall blinked. "Hey, let's see how much gil I've got in my jar!"

 

"Okay!" Ellone sat down next to him and they counted coins from the jar.

 

When they had finished, the total came up to 150 gil.

 

"So you said 'whatever' 150 times today?" Ellone raised an eyebrow. "... That's weird, Squall."

 

"150 gil?" Seifer appeared out of nowhere and grabbed the jar, cackling maniacally. "I will take over the world with this 150 gil!"

 

"Hey, Seifer," Squall looked at him stonily. "If you don't give back that jar right now, I'll tell everybody you boned Edea."

 

"It was Ultimecia!" Seifer screamed, dropping the jar. "Not Edea! Ultimecia!" He ran off crying.

 

"..." Ellone blinked. "..."

 

"..." Squall shrugged. "Whatever."

 

"CAKE!"

 

Selphie and Zell had woken up.

 

Irvine leaped off the roof and landed on his feet. He let out a stream of curse words.

 

Angelo waddled past, Rinoa pursing him.

 

Quistis came up and berated Squall for breaking a window.

 

Cid awoke and began gibbering about chimpanzees.

 

Edea screamed when she realised all Cid's credit cards had expired last month.

 

Ellone looked in a mirror and shrieked.

 

Laguna awoke and began fighting a potted plant.

 

And with a 'Whatever', it's all over!


End file.
